building outward character:
in older times we tried to present an image of confidence
a certain grace
and how that was/is considered desirable.
i spend time trying to not do that.
just how i want at any given time.
this of course forms a character as well, but…?
i get knots, threads, comets in my blood,
a stone in my side, anime in my mind.
the being me is hard, somehow
puts me at odds within social environments.
my a.d.d., my dementia, my anger..
people don’t always want to see it all, but they are going to
i can’t help it
the newer generations act more as they please,
at least here in america.
but everyone’s at odds it seems, still.
‘individuals’ is fake. personality is game,
personality is prey, personality
is cult, personality is real.
but over time, look at me.
just a list of normal days with no stage
and who’s to say this isn’t perfect?
we sit, build energy, and move.
i am the refusal
to participate in the world the way it wants me to,
it’s too easy, too planned, too made.
it changes yr face, lines up lines near yr eyes.
the way we connect as teenagers with each other is so amazingly simple and real. we lose that, mostly- interactions become guarded, forcibly calmed, quiet. we’re not vibing as much, we’re reasoning, negotiating, trying not to offend.
but we’re really that kid
passing by screaming at me
“what’re you looking at!?”
as i nodded and noticed his pain..
we’re are all empathy with no hope,
all careful to the point of being dead inside,
knowledge with all the accompanying listlessness,
anxious balls of absolutely miserable ha ha ha.
i am not perfect, i am rough.
that’s my strength.
but the world wants polished / i think polished is mostly bullshit.
character is not driven with a need to perform
or excel at performance. character excels at
body and feeling.
12/2017 – 2/2018